There's No Place Like...

When I break up with men:

I cry.

They? Decorate.

I'll give you some statistics to set the backstory.

First major boyfriend after college: Dan
His age when we dated: 29-30
Length of our relationship: Approx. 6 mos.

Number of rooms in Dan's beautiful, LARGE, Upper Westside apartment: 4
Number of years Dan had lived in this apartment before we dated: 6
Number of pieces of furniture Dan owned: 4
Making the average number of pieces of furniture per room: 1
Meaning that, aside from his bed, he had: A couch, a kitchen table, and a chair.
Number of chairs Dan had when we began dating, just to re-emphasize, for those who are slow: 1

Number of times I sat on the floor when I visited him: All
Number of colors represented throughout his apartment in the form of wall-paint: None
Number of plants he owned (living): 0
Number of plants he owned (dead): 5

Number of times he wanted to put glow-in-the-dark star stickers on his bedroom ceiling: Several
Number of times I stopped him: Every

Percentage of the income set aside for furniture/home improvements that he spent buying the hugest television that I have ever seen: 100%

Color of the SHAGGY CARPET IN HIS BATHROOM: navy blue

Evidence that best represents Dan's level of maturity and ability to commit:

The day we got a dog. The day we got a dog, and Dan paced, and fretted, and panicked, and shook, and ranted, and lamented, and waxed poetic about his freedom, and his youth, and his bachelorhood, and nearly broke down crying. And almost took the dog back. But, ultimately, decided to keep him. But, barely.

********

Second major boyfriend after college: M
His age when we dated: 29-30
Length of our relationship: This depends on whether you count the unknown number of months that he was fucking The Unholy Slutwhore From Hell.
In which case: I'm stumped.
I guess it might be: -1 month
Length of our relationship (As recorded, had I never found out about TUSFH): 11 mos.

Number of rooms in M's Upper Westside apartment: 2
Number of years M had lived in this apartment: I can't remember. At least 4.
Number of colors represented throughout M's apartment in the form of wall-paint: None
Number of plants he owned (period): 0
Number of practical dishes owned by M: 0
Number of extremely expensive business-gift-type crystal brandy decanters owned by M: 3
Only food ever cooked in M's apartment while we dated: Raman
Number of pictures hung on M's walls: 0
Number of pictures stacked on M's floor: 7

Number of cute decorative items I gave M during our relationship: 3
Number of cute decorative items I took back when I found out about The Slutwhore: 3

Most thoughtful decorating decision made by M before we dated: Purchase of Map-of-the-World shower curtain

Most thoughtful decorating decision made by M while we dated: Lightbulbs

Color of the FUTON he slept on: navy blue

Number of months I had to reach INSIDE of his toilet in order to flush it: 11

Evidence that best represents M's level of maturity and ability to commit:

I'll give you a clue. She's Unholy. She's a Slutwhore. She's from Hell.

FLASH FORWARD TO.......

Dan:

Currently (as of last contact) the proud owner of: one black dog, one gorgeous red sofa, four kitchen chairs, a dining room table, one sun-shaped wall clock, one framed set of stamps from my mother, four fully-painted rooms, two hall tables, one tiled bathroom, multiple decorative pillows, and a partridge in a pear tree.

Oh, and one wife.

He started decorating: The day we broke up.
He started to call me to tell me about his decorating: The day we broke up.

Number of months between our break-up and his engagement: 8

And M:

He took off of work for a week and started decorating: The day we broke up.
He started to call me to tell me about his decorating: The day we broke up.
Number of times he'd taken off of work in the year that I knew him, prior to this: None
Number of pictures now hung on his wall (as of last contact): 7
Number of items cleaned and dusted for the first time, number of CD cases thrown out, number of books rearranged, number of minutes spent on his knees with a Dirt Devil, number of papers organized, number of hours spent contemplating how to arrange his furniture, number of shirts taken to the cleaners for the first time in months: Countless

And number of toilets fixed: 1

SO THAT IS WHY......

Last Wednesday, when I walked into David's apartment, and saw...

...the green plants in every window.

...the furniture already arranged.

...the pictures hung.

...and the walls painted...

I laughed and laughed, and hugged him and laughed some more.

And then, when I saw...

...the champagne that he'd gotten to celebrate my first visit down.

...the avocados he'd bought for me, because I'd told him I'm addicted lately, and they're practically all I eat.

...the Coca-Cola he'd stocked in the refrigerator.

...and the keys he'd made for me, which he handed me with a kiss and a smile...

I almost couldn't speak,

I felt so welcome in his home.