I Say "Potato," And He Says, "Antidisestablishmentarianism"

After M, I made a list.

Things I Am Looking For In A Relationship That I Am Recording Here So That I Won't Forget Them, Even If I Meet Someone Semi-Famous Who Wrote One Of My Favorite Movies And Can Make A Mean Vegan Cookie But Who, Otherwise, Is Totally Unprepared To Include Another Person In His Life*

This list is as follows:

1) He must be ready to share his life. This one's first for a reason.
2) Intelligent.
3) Must use his intelligence.
4) Gotta be funny.
5) Stable.
6) Emotionally generous.
7) He must be supportive of this Guest Relations Associate/Actress/Writer/Whatever Else I Decide I Might Want To Be, at all costs.
8) He must take care of himself. This refers to his ability to be responsible for his own life, and NOT his ability to maintain manicured hands and feet.
9) He will make me a priority.

How S Measured Up:

RE: 1) Immediately and adamantly ruled out seeing each other more than once a week so that he could have the necessary amount of Alone Time. Initiated conversation, wherein he suggested we "remain open to seeing other people." Refused to allow me to sleep over. Never introduced me to any of his friends. And so on...after only a few short weeks, I could fill a novel.

RE: 2) Intelligent? Check.

RE: 3) Uses Intelligence to write, direct, act.

RE: 4) Funny? Half-Check. Occasionally uses material from his movies. And by "occasionally" I mean all the freaking time. Most of it was better on screen.

RE: 5) Stable...like a hyperactive, extremely caffeinated, two-year-old with vertigo, who is trying to balance on a teeter-totter, which has been loosely strapped to the back of an epileptic, galloping pony...is stable.

RE: 6) Ok. It's time for you to go home now. Thanks for coming over. *Pats me on the head* I had fun. Bye.

RE: 7) Good luck on your little audition today.

Or then there was:

I think it's sweet that you have your little blog. But, I just think--I mean, as someone who's a professional--that that whole trend is just kind of annoying. Like now everyone has a chance to put in their two cents, write about their lives. Every person with a laptop can criticize the people who are actually out there, doing it. Like me.

RE: 8) Jury's out. Depends on how you look at it. Doesn't matter anyway.

RE: 9) I was somewhere after "Watch re-runs of America's Most Wanted," but possibly before "Learn to juggle." Possibly. But, if I were a betting woman, I'd say he spent a lot of his Alone Time with about eight tennis balls and a "How To" book. Just a hunch.

Bottom line. I meant what I said about what I want.

I want selflessness, not ego. No more inability to communicate. No more fear. Not another M. No more, "I Can Change Him's." Never again to, "He Would Be Perfect, If Only He Would Just...." No future blogs will be started as the result of my once-again broken heart.

I don't need the fairy tale. But, I do need The Hand Thing.

So that's why S was out. Way out. "Floating on the edge of the solar system near Pluto, happy--at last--to have no one around to take any of his fries" kind of out.

I was planning to have one final talk with him to let him know...

When, last Saturday, he called me (for the first time!) from Mexico, where he had been on a yoga retreat for 20 days.

Having made plans with David for Monday night, I told S that I couldn't see him Monday when he got in.

Me: "I can see you on Tuesday. You get in late Monday anyway. Tuesday will be good."

S: "Why not Monday?"

"Because I have plans."

"What plans?"

"Well. Because I'm going to a benefit."

"Oh. *hurt/challenging/aggressive* You're going on a date."

"Yes. Sorry, I didn't mean for it to come out like this. But, yes. I have a date. I don't want to lie about it. Besides. We talked about this. We decided we should still see other people. You suggested it. That's why you wanted to have that talk before I went on the cruise."

"How many times have you been out with this person? Are you sleeping with him? Have you kissed him?"

"Tomorrow night will be our third date. Why are you acting like this? I don't understand. We agreed that we would see other people."

It went on from there. Did I like this new person? Had I told him about S? Had I slept with him? Was I sure I hadn't slept with him? He didn't seem to hear my answers. As usual, he was hearing only what was coming from his own head. It was as though he had no recollection that seeing other people was his idea. As though I had lied to him. He hung up, claiming that he'd call me when he got back.

As expected, an hour later, I got another email.

This one was accusatory. He felt that I was obviously just using him for sex. He doesn't trust me. He called me dishonest. Couldn't believe I had been "diving into" another person, and had already gone on "so many" dates when he's been away for only "a couple of days." And he had been so open with me. Had really been working on building something special with me. And so on, and so on. My behavior is disgusting. He doesn't want to see me when he gets back. Good-bye.

Well. There it is. Good-bye.

Good riddance.


*working title