tales of a girl in the city

juin 01, 2004

SVWM Seeks SWF For Nights of Couch-Sitting. Interests Include: Self, Alone-Time.

David may be a vegetarian, but S? S is VEGAN. A Vegan who should, apparently, have come with an instruction manual. Because S:

1) Does not like me to look at, or smile at him *while* he's eating. As previously mentioned, such behavior reminds him of his father.
2) Does not like me to touch him IN ANY WAY *during* meals or *immediately after* he's eaten.
3) Does not like me to taste, touch or otherwise try any of his food EVER. If I think I may want some of whatever it is he is eating, I must notify him of this impending desire, and he will then make or order EXTRA so that I can have my own, since taking even one French Fry (for example) off of his plate is EXPRESSLY FORBIDDEN, and, if we didn't live in the modern United States of America, MIGHT ACTUALLY BE PUNISHABLE BY DEATH. Or, at least, that's the way he acts about it if you (for example) try to test him on this and take a fry.
4) Does not allow me to stay at his apartment to sleep over EVER, because "he doesn't sleep well with people."
5) Additionally, all visiting parties--meaning me--must exit his apartment at or before 1:30 AM EST, as that is when he hits what is called "The Wall" and needs what is called "Alone Time."
6) "Alone Time" is necessary at the following additional times:
* All-day Sunday so that he can continue his tradition of watching sports alone on his couch from dawn til dusk.
* Whenever else the mood strikes him. Including after I've been away for five days and we've had absolutely NO CONTACT and you'd think he'd be happy to see me, but he's not. Not really. Because, actually he's hoping I'll just pop by for a brief visit on Saturday after I fly in. Seeing as he's had a busy week AND NEEDS SOME ALONE TIME.
7) When not having "Alone Time," the following is a short sample of Things You Will NOT Find S Doing Because They Are Things That S Does NOT Do:
* You will not find S at the movies. As a maker of movies, he considers this to be "work."
* You will not find S at the theater. As an actor, he considers this to be work.
* You will not find S at any event where people gather together to listen to or tell stories. As a writer/director, he considers it difficult to watch other people's meager attempts at doing what it is that he does so well.
* You will not find S at bars, non-vegan restaurants, dances or clubs of any sort. Neither will you find him taking long walks, visiting me in Brooklyn, or generally leaving his apartment for any reason other than work or yoga. And since he works primarily from home...well, you do the math.

In short, you will not find him on a train, you will not find him in a plane. You will not find him in a tram, and (until they make it with organic soy) he will not eat green eggs and ham.

And you know where else you won't find him?


That's for DAMN sure.