Black Tie Required

I have this thing about black tie events.

Apparently someone, somewhere, once sprinkled some eye of newt over a sequined Jessica McClintock dress while simultaneously drinking the blood of a chicken and chanting my name. (A big shout out to all the devil-worshippers doing Google searches this morning who just found themselves here at Bellow. Welcome! Enjoy! Please leave quickly!) Because, both of the Wishful Clothes Shopping evening gowns I own have now hung in my closet alone and untouched for so long that I'm pretty sure they're using my vibrator.

However, The Terrible Black-Tie Curse may have finally been lifted!

*A high-pitched beaded cheer emerges from deep within my closet*

Who, you ask, do we have to thank for this miraculous turn of events? A young man named David, who is currently kicking the ass of his competitor S in the "Invitation to Black Tie Affair" Category of The Competition That Neither of Them Knows They're Entered In And That I Just Decided To Start Right Now.

Other event categories in which David is delivering gold-medal caliber performances:

The "I Pull Out Chairs and Help Kathryn Into Her Jacket, Not Because I'm Making Special Efforts To SEEM Like A Gentleman, But Because I Was Raised In the South and That's Just What Real Men Do" Event. (Southern Belle Boob--who has not yet been formally introduced to David--is beside herself).

It should be noted that S has decided not even to enter this event. He's too busy insisting that I not smile at him while he's eating, because it reminds him of his father.

More results to follow. Though I think we're already seeing a clear winner.