The Girl...Friend

David has a girl friend.

Actually, he has several. Several female friends that call him and bring their boyfriends along and they all hang out and drink, and it's fun and just like a scene right out of St. Elmo's Fire. Only none of the women look anything like Demi Moore did in that movie--thank God--'cause if they did I would have to follow them into the bathroom and cut them.

So.

He has several female friends like that.

And then he has another, more specific kind of female friend. His single female friend who he thinks of as A Super Fantastic 'Ole Buddy 'Ole Pal Give Her A Chuck On The Shoulder And Let's Go Have A Beer kind of friend. Who, in turn, thinks of him...

Naked.

And I knew it the minute I met her.

It's amazing how we women can read one another when it comes to men. And as soon as I saw her give me The Tight Smile/Cooly Assessing Once-Over Combo, I knew exactly what I was dealing with:

Not to be confused with her more aggressive and threatening cousin The Fuck Buddy, The Gal Pal is so-named because she reminds the majority of males in her tribe of their younger siblings.

Distinctly territorial, the resident female Gal Pal's senses are attuned to any sign of invasion by foreign females. At the first scent of a threatening intruder, the Gal Pal will often become increasingly needy. At this time, bystanders can observe her employing one of several highly evolved defense mechanisms. These may vary depending on Gal Pal species.

In the wild, The Gal Pal displays an astonishingly varied plumage, ranging from baseball caps (SEE: WNBA Gal Pal) to Prada heels (SEE: Bitchy Manhattan Junior League Gal Pal). Found in urban and rural settings round the globe, scientists are continually adding new species to the Gal Pal phylum. Though by no means a complete list, the following represent a few samples of known species and their identifying characteristics.

WNBA Gal Pal: Known to sit for as many as five hours at a time while watching the males in her group run around in parks, the WNBA Gal Pal is often herself adept at video games, drinking, and sports talk. Regardless of college or state of origin, her favorite teams will always be the ones your boyfriend loves.

The Simpering Gal Pal: May display a marked sensitivity to climate conditions and/or physical ailments, thereby demanding that every male in her immediate vicinity devote his entire attention to making her comfortable. The Simpering Gal Pal can be easily identified by the man's jacket she almost always asks to borrow.

The College-Friend Gal Pal: Can be recognized by her unmistakeable warning call, an incessant series of verbal anecdotes, most commonly identified by their opening line: "Remember the time when we...." This call is among the College-Friend Gal Pal's most sophisticated defense tactics. Though, to listening males, her throaty call merely evokes memories of times long past, any female within hearing range will hear the C-F Gal Pal's true message--a message that scientists have translated roughly to, "Back the fuck off, Bitch. You're messing with my baby's daddy."

The most dangerous member of the Gal Pal Family, the Ex-Girlfriend Turned Gal Pal Gal Pal, should be avoided at all costs. Frequently found delivering fake compliments on your outfit, the EGTGP GP can also be recognized because you've seen her face in way too many of your boyfriend's old pictures. Additionally, the EGTGP GP will seem to ALWAYS have her hand on your man's arm. TREAT THIS ANIMAL WITH CAUTION. Set her up with your single male friends immediately. The Ex-Girlfriend Turned Gal Pal Gal Pal can be easily killed with kindness.

David's friend is a GP of a kind I have not encountered before. She is a DC Gal Pal, which means that she is always asking me questions about who my Congressmen is. And, when she found out I was from Wisconsin, she immediately jumped on me with questions about the current Senators (Luckily, it's been the same two men for years) and their political leanings.

I found it annoying. Manhattan GP's are more about handbags and shoes, for the most part. And though this political line of questioning is obviously more worthwhile, I have found it distinctly LESS fun to sit around a computer all week, brushing up on state capitols and (just in case she goes totally psycho) state birds.

Though she is decidedly harmless, I think life would be easier if she had someone of her own to complain about the temperature to.

So, the solution here is obvious.

I'm going to set her up with my brother ASAP.