In Which I Lay Out A Plan For World Peace And Admit That I Can No Longer Make Fun Of My Parents For Not Being Able To Program The VCR

My current favorite thing about myself is that I have somehow managed to completely erase my new iPod, not once...not twice...but three times.

Some of you have probably had your iPods for years and NEVER erased them.

I've only had mind since Saturday.

I know. When it comes to technology, I am such a winner. There is no other winner quite like me. In fact, I am so much of a winner, that I think I'm going to claw my eyes out with the prongs of my new, useless iPod's charger. Because, that, my friends, is what people who know about technology like I know about technology, do.

I do not understand this terrible iPod curse that has been laid upon me.

Did I not welcome the new iPod into my life (hold it in lap, pet it like cat)?

Did I not make up fun stories about the three small set musicians that I believe live inside of it (Lenny, Greg, Igor) who can play every instrument and instantly sight-read any piece of music ("Shit, guys. Get out the synthesizer. She wants Enya")?

Do I not have a very clear vision of the dance they do (Jets: West Side Story) whenever I give the iPod a command?

AND does no one understand what I have had to go through to acquire this iPod (sex, strangers)?

Then why does my iPod continually forsake me?

Email at right. Send help.*

*People who my Nedstat counter says are reading this blog from the Pentagon, THIS MEANS YOU!**

**Also, WHO THE HELL ARE YOU AND WHY DO YOU READ MY BLOG? Am I in trouble for something? Is my punishment for whatever bad thing I did that my iPod won't work? If so, that is a fucking unbelievably effective punishment, and you guys really know what you're doing.***

***But, if the Al Qaeda guys have iPods, and you know about it, and you're using me as some sort of guinea pig in a trial run of a new top secret military tactic--you know, screw with their iPods, screw with their minds--then it's fine. I mean, you can keep on messing with Igor and the gang. Because, obviously, I'll do anything for my country. Even if it means that I don't get to listen to Orinoco Flow whenever I want to. Which is, like, all the time. Just in case you thought this wasn't hard.

PS. One more thing. If you Pentagon guys aren't screwing with my iPod as some sort of top secret international military defense effort, please help me fix it.

PPS. Final thing. Promise. If you haven't already thought of it, though, you should totally consider giving the Al Qaeda people some iPods that only work for, like, one afternoon. That way, they'll get fully addicted, won't be able to live without it and will get all distraught and sad that they can't get any more Enya. THAT'S WHEN you Pentagon guys can make an announcement that any Al Qaeda who surrender will get their iPod fixed immediately. And I think that'll pretty much do it. Their need for technical support will defeat them. BAM! Peace in the Middle East.

PPPS. Yeah. You're welcome.