You're all going to think I'm on-line dating obsessed. I am not on-line dating obsessed. I swear it. Promise.

HOWEVER.

What I was again today was bored at work. And, thinking back on a conversation I recently had with my dear brother, I remembered a particular on-line dating site that he had mentioned which is known for its complex and scientific methods of match-making.

Again: not obsessed. BORED.

So I went to this site and spent a very long time filling out the pages and pages of information about myself. For free, mind you. I'm not paying for any of this crap ever again.

So the test goes like this:

Which four words would my friends most likely use to describe me? (I said something like, "Articulate," "Creative," "Intelligent," and "Funny.")

Take the following four adjectives and tell us which best describes you and which least describes you: 1) Neat 2) Controlling 3) Open-minded 4) Passionate, etc., etc. (For those who are curious: Most = "Passionate", least = "Neat.")

Kind of like a really narcissistic version of the SAT.

Anyway, I found out I'm pretty awesome. That's right. And I was feeling kind of good about it. Hopeful. I mean, an on-line dating website told me I am awesome, and that made me feel pretty damn optimistic.

Until I asked the On-Line Dating Website Brain to start searching for men who would be compatible for me. Men, say, within NYC.

And the On-Line Dating Website Brain thought about it for awhile...

...went out to have a cigarette...

...came back...

...thought about it some more.

And then told me it couldn't find me anybody.

But, the On-Line Dating Website brain told me, I shouldn't be discouraged. This site only matched people who were truly compatible in the most important senses of the word, meaning that there was just nobody FOR THE MOMENT. Not forever.

Fine.

Fine. *shrugs*

But, I told the On-Line Dating Website Brain, I would just like to have a little hope here. So, I asked it, how about, instead of just looking in the NYC-area, you go and take a look in my region. You know--in the Eastern part of the United States.

So, the OLDWB went back to its big file cabinet in the sky and looked around a little. And made some calls. Had a few more cigs. And finally got back to me.

Once again, no luck.

Huh.

How 'bout that.

Maybe it's broken.

Well, not to be discouraged, I once again adjusted the range of my search. I mean, come on. *laughs a little crazily* This is love--a soul mate we're looking for here. Ravishing, overwhelming, chaotic, wonderful LOVE. On an internet dating site, yes. But still. STILL. There must at least be someone that the internet dating site can find for me. I mean, that's what internet dating sites fucking DO.

*calms down*

So, I asked the Clearly Less Smart Than I Had Previously Thought On-Line Dating Website Brain to leave no stone unturned, and look IN THE ENTIRE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA for just one stinking person with whom I might be compatible.

The stupid thing gave me nothing. Seriously. Zip.

And, I'm trying to be a optimistic here, Folks, but I'm a little concerned.

I mean, they don't fire people for throwing computers out of office windows, do they?