100 Things. Re: Moi. Part IX (Is that right, Sam?). Whatever Else I Can Think of To Get This List DONE.

81. Prior to being a Guest Relations Associate I had a (thankfully) brief career in retail, as a manager of a large clothing store in Manhattan specializing in designer items at a discount. Meaning that all the customers were snobby enough to care that everything on their person--including their socks--was designer, but too cheap to buy any of it at full price. After working there for several weeks, my hands were already cracking from having to touch so many metal hangers, and--despite the fact that they'd given me the rather fun task of decorating the store windows--I needed a day off.

SO, my Saturday shift came around and I decided to call in sick. Unwilling to rely on the usual, "stomach flu" excuse, I racked my brain for something not too gross, but VERY contagious. Voila: Pink. Eye.

But, here, guys and gals, is where I take it to the next level. When I returned to work the following day, I wore glasses, lined my eyes with pink eye shadow, AND SMEARED THEM WITH VASELINE so they'd look all shiny and infected.

Totally unnecessary.

A little scary.

But, also, kind of genius.

82. I can't fall asleep unless my ears are covered.

83. I went to a John Denver Concert. By myself. For fun. Less than ten years ago.

84. I have never actually laughed at any joke involving "toilet humor." I may have fake-laughed once or twice, but have never genuinely found anything about farting, etc. very funny.

85. My favorite smell is the smell of Lillies of the Valley. Either that or the smell of the armpit of any man I'm in love with. Tie.

86. I received The Best Free Thing Ever last week on Wednesday night when I went to a trendy film premier party and got a coupon for a free pair of Lucky jeans. Fuck. Yeah. Before that my Best Free Thing Ever Record was probably just the free box of Biore pore strips I got at Lillith Fair.

87. Want one. Want one. Not so much.

88. My absolute all-time favorite website. A Dictionary is also, by the way, one of the three things I'd probably choose to have if stranded on a desert island. Also a 100 color box of Crayons with that awesome, but useless crayon sharpener built into the back. Also a magic carpet.

89. Favorite flower. Don't bother to send. Have killed two already. But, then again, if you really WANT to send, can send anyway. Kitchen table is looking a bit bare.

90. Because I have too much time on my hands, and because I sit in front of a computer all day, I have been forced to do this. I am now officially a cliche. So: Probably. Probably not. Unless, of course, I marry an ostrich. In which case, I'd consider it kind of homage to his family.