Bizarro Kathryn The Anti-Muse

I made my debut last night on national television. In a manner of speaking.

There was a grotesque version of me tromping around my tv screen last night--pathetic, simpering, desperate, dumb. S's new show premiered and there he was, inside my tv, sitting next to Bizarro Kathryn on the subway, asking her out on a first date. He had his wardrobe department outfit this poor, half-woman half-monster in her non-superhero uniform--an ugly green dress that stressed him out in the story-line: I couldn't tell...is she fat?

The dress was hideous, but nowhere near as ugly as what was to come.

Bizarro Kathryn was gifted with a series of non-powers. Able to speak in an English accent with a dick in her mouth. Boring men to tears with a single conversation. Born without a backbone, Bizarro-K was 25 years-old and incapable of self-respect or pride. She was, without a doubt, the single-most disgusting representation of womanhood I have ever seen on a television show.

She was payback.

And that's new for me.

But, I won't bite back. I was classy when I ended things with him--nicely rejecting the last of his phone calls and emails--and I will be classy in my response to this. I hated watching him paint such a heinous, weak version of me on national television, of course. I hated that my mother watched it even more. But I loved that every one of my friends who saw it and "knew," has called me to say things like, "First of all, you'd never wear shoes that ugly. You're also much prettier." I loved that my mom said on the phone with me this morning: "We all know who you are."

They all know who I am. And, more importantly, so do I.

I'm obviously not writing the name of the program here. If you saw it, you know. If you didn't, you don't. If you write specifics in the comments box, I'll delete them when I see them. If you want to vent with me, in private, the email is on the right. If you've no idea what I'm talking about, just read the archives and laugh about this crazy man I dated once. And revel in the mystery of it all: Who was S? What show is she talking about? Oooh. Aaah. Like fireworks.

What I'm taking away, is this. When I moved to New York almost ten years ago, I never dreamed I'd live a life big enough to be a plotline--however fictionalized--on a television show. Never imagined that next Tuesday, I'd be going in to film my real national tv debut on "All My Children." So you never know, do you, what can happen? What might be possible....

Maybe I'll even sit down and write my version of my time with S. Now that would make a great tv show. And, clearly, the networks are starving for something good.