In Which Le Secret Plan Is Thwarted

Well, guys, it pains me to say it, but Le Secret Plan is off.

Sorry about all those down-comforters and tires.... I guess, um, just tar and feather someone you hate on your own or something this weekend.

The reason that Le Secret Plan (and, hell, we might as well just refer to it as "The Secret Plan" now so that everyone out there who doesn't speak French can get caught up) has been nixed is...

My mom found out about it.

She found out about it because I called her last night to tell her she might not be hearing from me for awhile. (I know I shouldn't have said anything. DON'T RUB IT IN!) It was just that, with me being huge and gigantic-sized and all I figured I might have some trouble dialing her number on my itty-bitty cell phone keypad, so I just wanted to be fair and give her a heads up and tell her I loved her, blah, blah, blah.

So we're talking and one thing led to another, and she wanted me to explain "Le--sorry," I mean "The Secret Plan". So I did. I told her that Leticia and Sam and Zed and I and all my other 800-or-so new internet friends were all in on a totally awesome secret plan to tar and feather The Unholy Slut-Whore From Hell, and how after she was covered in goo and feathers and apologizing for riding my boyfriend like she was an Indian and he was a wild pony running free through the hills of Montana, I was going to use my secret potion to grow to a really enormous (but still gorgeous) size and STOMP HER FUCKING BRAINS OUT!!!

To which my mom replies:


"Just as long as no one's feelings get hurt, Kate."


....If, at around 9:47 Eastern Standard Time any of you heard a kind of rushing, woosh-sound sweeping through the air like a horrible, sucking vampire banshee newly released from hell, don't worry....

That was just the sound of Maternal Guilt descending down to Earth in order to ruin a perfectly good secret plan.