If any of you reading this happen to be responsible for operating a very large piece of machinery in the vicinity of E. 8th St, whose purpose--as near as I can tell--is to POUND LOUDLY ALL DAY, thank you. You are responsible for my new game:

Hell

"Hell" (copyright pending) is a game in which you ask yourself the question, "What would be worse than this?" It should be played whenever things are going really badly. If, for example, there is a DEAFENING BOOMING NOISE emanating from a machine that is located about SIX INCHES FROM YOUR OFFICE WINDOW, you should play "Hell." It will make you feel better.

All of you good, God-fearing people out there, may be tempted to play "Hell" in the following way:

Today is a bad day. I'm going to play that new game, "Hell." Let's see. How could this day be worse? Hmmmm. This day could be worse if it was -raining-. This day could be worse if I was -poor-. And so on.

If these were your answers, you suck at "Hell." Stop playing. We don't want your kind here.

"Hell" is not politically correct. It is mean-spirited. It is nasty. "Hell" is about digging deep into yourself to find out what makes you squirm and kick and want to vomit, and then bringing those things to the surface and staring directly into their beady, pink-eye infested eyes. The result?

Suddenly your whole world will seem a little more tolerable.

My Hells--as of about 4:30 EST--are:

* Note: Each "Hell" scenario should be considered eternal unless otherwise noted.*

1) Being forced to walk through the (disgusting, litter-filled) underground part of the Times Square subway station during the height of rush-hour on the hottest, most humid day of the summer. In this Hell, I would be naked except for a short fur coat that made me pour sweat but still left my lower-half totally exposed to all of the thousands of dirty strangers pushing past me in the stifling heat.

2) Being forced to give Golem a blow-job. If Golem has no genitals, then I guess being forced to let him go down on me would be just as bad. Maybe worse.

There. See? This infernal pounding seems like nothing now.

Toodles.