tales of a girl in the city

août 07, 2005

She Said

Sonya carried pocket-books, not purses, and whatever pocket-book she carried, you could be certain that it matched her shoes. This, her PhD, and the fact that she was planning her wedding, made her my first adult friend. She was twenty-eight to my twenty-one.

Sonya told me two very important things.

The first one, I didn't want to believe.

"There is such a thing as timing," she told me. I protested, but she continued, "You'll see it as you watch who the people around you are dating. The guys especially. You'll meet their new girlfriend--someone great. I mean, someone who is put together and smart. Someone who is pretty, funny, vibrant. You'll watch her with your friend, and you'll think, 'Man, are they right.' They'll date awhile, but you'll also start to see little signs that he's not ready for her. They'll break up. Then two months, two weeks, two years down the line, there'll be a different new girlfriend to meet. This one will," Sonia wrinkles her nose, "She'll be fine. She'll be nice enough. Kind of cute. They will get along fairly well, and all of that--but this one isn't fantastic. She's just...there. But, he's reached that point. His job is set. He's dated around enough. There's more pressure around him as his friends are getting married. Whatever the turning point was, it's happened. And before you know it, this girl and him, they're engaged. They're married. That's it. There it is. It's not always about who was his best match. Sometimes it's just about timing."

The second thing was easier to hear.

"Saying 'I love you,' might not be as important as you think it is. If he doesn't say it yet, big deal. It takes some people awhile. The real question to ask yourself is, do you feel loved. Does he show you that he feels it? Some men can say 'I love you' and mean 'I like you' or 'I want to sleep with you' or 'I'm glad you're around because I hate being alone.' But it's almost impossible for them to fake the ways they show you that they love you. But, 'I love you' itself? Gets faked all the time."

I'm thinking about what Sonia said this morning.

That's all.