Happily Ever After

What happens is that Jason tells me he has blue balls.

I don't know what that means, but the way he talks about it makes it sound awful, and it seems to be my fault. I add it to my growing list of unpardonable sins.

He stands and looks at me for a moment. I begin to stand up too.

"I'm gonna go," he tells me.

"Ok."

Rewind. I want to rewind. Let's start over. My favorite movie is "Last of the Mohicans." I like kissing you, but I don't really know what I'm doing. Is that ok?

I hate feeling ordinary again.

"Jason?" I speak quickly, to get it all out, "Will you kiss me good-bye?" It's the only way I can think of to apologize.

He says yes.

I will never know why.

This kiss doesn't transport me or make me leap. It feels like a penalty. Our noses touch too often and I'm thinking of his hands on my skin before. How long ago that seems.

Then it's over.

I am done with kissing.

Jason is holding his hand out, and for one second I think God has given me a miracle.

"I...um....I need my shirt?"

Oh.

I take it off and hand it to him.

"Sorry," and then, "We're probably a little late. You know. For lights out. So...."

"Yeah," I say, though this is the first time this thought has occurred to me.

He turns to go. I start to follow him.

"I meant," he looks at me, "That...I mean, we shouldn't leave together. We don't want them to know we were...here."

Right.

"You know your way back?" I am a bird he's knocked out of its nest.

"Oui," I lie.

I watch him get paler and paler as he moves farther away. Then he's out of sight completely.