On Not Calling and Non-Prizes

I did not call David when he was in town.

It was myself against...well, mostly my recently waxed nether regions and my lonely, lonely heart. Worthy adversaries.

But, I won.

And remember when you were little, and your mom would ask you to do something awful, like call your Weird Great Aunt Helen to thank her for the ugly sweater she sent you? And if you were feeling saucy, you might reply, "If I do it, what will you give me?"

And your mom would say something super mom-like, like, "The satisfaction of knowing you've done a good thing."

And GOD, wasn't that annoying?

Because what the fuck kind of reward was that? You wanted money, or a pony, not some sort of shitty abstract moral non-prize.

Well, not calling David was a non-prize if I ever saw one. Like winning one of those "Made in Taiwan" stuffed animals at the county fair--the ones that are stiff instead of soft, and so weirdly bright that you can't sleep next to them because the color keeps you awake.

But I never won one anyway, because I suck at all competitive sports. Even the ones that involve beating plastic gophers on the head with a mallet.

All of you non-American readers are probably very confused now.

Anyway.

So, here I am at the Sunday morning finish line, with my non-laurel non-prizes.

I am left with...the satisfaction of knowing I did it (Non-prize).

And...my friends are all proud of me (Non-Prize).

BUT, I am also fairly certain that I have made it abundantly clear...that I am not going to be at his beckon call whenever he decides to pop into MY city for a long weekend.

AND that...He needs to make some very grand gestures and put forth a herculean effort if he would like to spend time with me in the future.

And those, at least, smack of "Actual Prize." Like million dollar checks for a lifetime.

Of course we will never know for sure if David has, indeed, gotten the point.

Because he didn't call me either.

Which, when you review the part I just wrote about "herculean efforts," doesn't really seem to....

Well.

Hmm.

Non-prizes all around then.